Ghostlife.blog

Author’s Note: This piece is a metaphorical story meant for reflection and personal interpretation. It is not intended as therapy, treatment, or professional guidance. Readers are invited to engage with it in whatever way feels meaningful to them.

This is a story about the parts of ourselves we learn to hide like our emotions, our past, our pain, and even our joy. I use ‘ghosts’ as a metaphor for the versions of us we ignore, suppress, or abandon in order to survive.

How did I get here? Alone, but surrounded. Ghost-like figures, each their own color, different facial expressions. One heart beat, but so many eyes all staring at me. The dark red figure stares at me, filled with wrath. The emerald green figure looks at my body with such disgust and jealously. My heart beats faster, cold air in my lungs, stomach on fire. I’m afraid and have no idea where I am at? Maybe it’s just a nightmare, yes, it must be. Come on, wake up, WAKE UP!

Suddenly, they all disappear, there is nothing in front of me, and now I can finally catch my breath. The terror is no longer here. Just the void, a white shadow of myself a few feet to my right.

Okay, so am I still in a freaking nightmare? Ah I should have hydrated, this is one of those damn lucid dreams. Geez, I don’t know why people are happy when lucid dreaming, just too much autonomy if you ask me.

Then I hear “…sniff…sniff” sounds just a few feet to behind me. 

This ghostly figure was different, red pulsating like a heart beat that flashes every color and then deep blue. Tears slowly across its face, arms wrapped around its body as the color changes, but when the blue settles, its arms press on the chest, physically experiencing heartache.

“Oh my god, are you okay?” genuinely concerned for my new ghost friend.

“Okay…no, I don’t think I can. I try so hard you know…to smile, to be there for everyone else, to love when everything is broken…I really try,” said the red ghost before phasing into pain and sorrow.

“Yeah, I totally get you, it takes a lot to be a good person, to not want anything in return, but damn would it hurt for people to just to be a little nicer. It’s okay to be sad, or even be hurt. Things will get better,” I said.

As his colors are randomly changing “NO! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I hate more than I love. I cry more to compensate for the lack of empathy from others. I hold and hold until I feel sick, go through phases of rage, fear, sorrow, despair…I give attention to everyone and everything…but the one I love the most won’t hear me, won’t feel me, won’t acknowledge me, won’t let me be free, will never love me…”

For a brief moment, I could relate. Maybe not to the point of my new friend. I feel his pain and confusion. 

“My little friend…your words I can relate to and I’m sorry someone would do this to you. Whoever or whatever they are, they’re not worth it,” I said as I put my hand on his shoulder. As he slowly looked at me, I said,”I don’t understand what kind of person would put you through so much pain.”

Tears began to pour from the ghost, color faded to black…empty, darker than space itself. He lifted his hand and pressed it where my heart is beating and said:

“Yes, why would you put me through so much pain…” I wanted to cry earlier because of my ghost friend’s turmoil, but now the floodgates are open. For the first time, I am speechless.

He continues, “I am the Collective of all of your ghosts you have ignored, locked away, forgotten about, neglected since you first experienced trauma, excess amounts of emotion delivered in your immature youth that the shock of looking like a villain taught you to stop sharing instead of growing. You forgot about Happy.” 

A ruby ghost whose colors brilliantly shine like a heartbeat appears out of Collective. 

“When you feel happiness, you ask yourself when the other shoe is going to drop. You sit while smiling and tell yourself you don’t deserve this. You tell Happy that it is undeserved and reality struggles with the concept of happiness. Happy deserves to be loved and cherished, especially when there are moments that happiness may not come so easy. Reminder that even through adversity, you can reframe and find Happy again. Let Happy back in…”

Happy approaches me, grabs my hand, and light flashes. Happy is gone, but my body feels warm as I am flooded with memories of my wedding, my wife smiling and laughing with me, my mother and sister listening to music, and the work I do that positively impacts so many lives.

“You locked up Trauma, only thinking about it when a triggered memory occurs.” 

A dark sage green ghost appears from Collective with sharp edges that flashes every time I look at its eyes. It’s just easier to avoid eye-contact. “Some bad things happen to you, but you tell yourself that you have a good life, others have it way worse, some people actually go through real trauma. But you can’t hide the damage it did to your psyche, you have always been aware of what world looks like as a child,  the anger you exhibit onto others, the sorrow that held your heart, the confusion of why the world is filled with so many monsters. However, Trauma is part of you and you never find clarity unless you accept it. Learn from it. Wear it like armor.”

As Trauma becomes one again with me. Every harm that has been done strikes me down to my knee while I am grabbing my burning wrists. The pain I feel is real, from my skin to the poison in my blood to emotions of betrayal, manipulation, and the feeling of never being enough. For what felt like a life sentence was over in a second. I open my eyes to find that I am alone again. No, no, no, no. How can you leave me like this? I need you…please don’t go. I need this, I need to find all of my ghosts…I want to be whole again…please…don’t go.

A hand touches my shoulder. I turn to see a gold ghost, shining so angelically. 

She looks at me and says, “I’m Courage, come on, the others are excited to meet you.”

The concept of “ghost” is more focused on the ghost of our past selves, emotions, and experiences. I believe many of the choices we make, the ways we relate, and the patterns we fall into can be influenced by the parts of ourselves we’ve learned to ignore or suppress. Also, ghosts reflect aspects of how I lived my life to either blend in or to blend out.

Our ghosts are always with us, no matter where we go and what we do, they will always be there. Now I’ll ask you these questions:

• Which ghosts have you been avoiding?
• Which emotion did you learn was ‘too much’?
• Which part of you learned to stay quiet to survive?

If this story felt familiar, if you recognize your own ghosts in it, then you already understand what Ghost Life is about. I invite you to reflect on this piece, think about your ghosts, and importantly welcome you to join our community.