Ghostlife.blog

In this post, take an adventure with me through the in-between moments, the waiting room, where your mind can either work against you or begin the healing process.

I gave the receptionist my information, explained the reason for my visit, completed the paperwork, and sat down….and waited. For what was 30 minutes to 2 hours felt like an eternity.

How did I get here?

In a month and a half, I have found myself in a waiting room at least 10 times, some for my wife and most for myself.  By no means am I complaining as there are many people far more often in these spaces. For me, this was new though. I have always associated doctor and hospital visits for routine check-ups or the occasional sport injury. This time, it was my overall health and that changed everything.

In those waiting rooms, my thoughts weaponized against me…

• I blamed myself until I felt useless
• I blamed others, convincing myself they wanted to see me fail
• I questioned God: What did I do wrong?

Yet, at the same time, I could see the path that led me here…

• A season of heavy depression
• Taking on too much at work
• Grinding endlessly with Ghost Life

And the actions I took to cope…

• Too much coffee (like a lot)
• Takeout meals
• No workouts
• Three to four hours of broken sleep
• Not talking about the way I felt

Honestly, the hardest part was not the appointments. I am very good at being proactive on important matters and to handle business, but the hardest part was the waiting.

• Waiting for results.
• Waiting for the call. 
• Waiting for answers I was not sure I wanted to hear

For every visit, I felt like the perspective of me began to fracture like a mirror. Every piece that would fall and crash felt like a piece of myself I would not get back. I have always envisioned that through adversity and medical situations, I would be indomitable, unshaken. 

Yet, I was not. I unraveled. For the first time, mortality did not feel like an abstract idea. It felt closer to home, more personal, and a reality.I championed myself in believing I can handle and lead those hard conversations. Instead, I kept everything inside, locked up.

I went to my family looking for certainty, treating them like they had all the answers, like they could reassure me with authority and credibility. They did comfort me and yet, my mind fought back to think “they don’t know, they are not wearing a white coat.” 

So, I stayed stuck between needing support and rejecting it, literally at the same time. Until my body forced me to stop…wild how the body can speak sometimes…

Tight chest, cold sweats, shortness of breath, frozen in place

I just could not hold it anymore. When I finally let it out with the love and support from my mother and wife, I realized something deep within.

I was not afraid of the situation. I was afraid that once I say it aloud, the universe will hear it, it will become a reality, it will redefine me. Instead the opposite happened. Speaking about it did not break me, it changed me.

What I put into the universe allowed me to grow into the newer, better version of myself that I was holding back.

I used to talk about mortality like I had no fear, that it was normal and that it was okay to be uncertain of the future. Yet, I could not process my thoughts and emotions only when talking to others, I was the voice to keep others moving forward, to be strong. I lived so free and strongly understanding the world is unpredictable and uncertain…when nothing was happening to me. All of this was to teach and remind me that I am human. I am a human being who is aging and that getting older means there will be more issues, limitations, and health boundaries to set for my body. I need to give myself grace and appreciate mortality in a different way.

Now I find myself  a new waiting room, a new space I have created myself, and it’s the inner patience to take care of my health and be a sounding board for those around me. A new evolved Ghost looks like this now:

• Increase water intake
• Research and stay on top of my vitamins
• Sleep
• Breathe more and be patient for the day
• Eat smaller meals
• Reduce acidic meals and in quantity
• If something hurts my body, stop, take note
• Rebuild my faith

Faith is my invisible quiet armor…unshakable, never to be unraveled.

At the end of this, I tried so hard every single day to get back to normal. I just wanted to feel normal again. I couldn’t. I remember my doctor asking me if this is normal…I responded with the truth:

I can’t remember what normal feels and looks like anymore.

Instead, I learned something very valuable. I was never meant to go back to normal Ghost. Normal Ghost is what put me in this situation. I needed to evolve into a better, mindful, and stronger version of myself. It’s going to be a journey, but it will be on my own terms as I hold myself accountable.

If you’re in your own waiting room right now, feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or alone, just know this…

There is support. There is a way forward. Even if you cannot see it yet.

Growth like this takes time and it takes honesty. It takes letting go of who you thought you were. But you will not and should not go through it alone.

As you reflect, ask yourself:

• When has your perception of yourself not matched reality?
• What are some things you can do differently today to make yourself a better version for tomorrow?